Honesty Exercises - The unsuspected dangers of deception

By Malina Chirila

Motto:

”It is an awful state for a human being to be in. Such a person fools himself and his performances are ridiculous. It is his ego that is mostly present, which becomes exacerbated.”

Yoga teacher Gregorian Bivolaru

Until the human being reaches his essence, the ego tricks him and makes him behave against his own nature; it makes him adopt a different face, in order to look better or more important to the others. Often, the individual follows this negative impulse, following the desire to be considered exceptional. Sometimes he realizes this yet finds all kind of excuses for it, though most of the time he does it unconsciously.

There are several types of deception. Generally, when we think about hypocrites, we have the image of a person who uses masks in order to obtain benefits, or a cynical person who follows the principle: “the end excuses the means”. For a while, they can even trick the most intelligent people. But they cannot do this forever.

It is like in the story about a monkey and a donkey who were very good friends. The donkey always said that he was not too clever and each time he had to take a decision he relied on his friend. Therefore, he was advised to bring bananas and nuts from the market place and to carry the energetic monkey, who claimed to be old and sick.

He was advised to do all kind of things that donkeys usually do not do. One day, the monkey found a lion skin and asked the donkey to play pretend as the king of the animals. The monkey would play the role of his closest and most devoted servant, at his right hand. At first, the donkey hesitated, but eventually he accepted, because he fully trusted his friend. Then, the monkey convinced all the animals in the forest to obey his commands, because he played the role of the messenger who asks for something to be done in the name of the master. With the help of the donkey, dressed in the lion’s skin, he succeeded to make himself heard very fast and he kept postponing the moment when he would uncover the “joke”. But one day, the giant eagle who was the enemy of the lion, stopped in the forest. When he heard that the monkey was the right hand of the master and messenger of all beasts, he grabbed him and ate him.

For gaining personal advantages

In the beginning, such cunning people may seem clever. It is no wonder about that as, according to Edmund Burke, “deception affords to promise magnificent things, because it never crosses the threshold of a promise and in fact does not have to give anything.”

The words of someone offering us the moon in the sky are pleasant to our ears and they excite our imagination. “Oh, he is a good friend of ours! He loves us, he would die for us, we will always be together!”

For a while, the hypocrite may give the impression he is truly full hearted and that he has good intentions. But in time we notice that things are different. He promises to do voluntary work for a project that is useful for a large group of people.

But when it is time to start it, he realizes he must get another job, because he does not have enough money, therefore he no longer has time for voluntary work. He declares his eternal love for you, but he calls you only when he needs you, and he is very hard to find when you need support or at least some encouragement. Are you going through a period when spiritual tests come one after the other? God forbid you rely on his brotherly support, on his subjectivity and discernment.

“No, I cannot help you, I don’t know why. Oh, yes! I remember! I am very busy. Really. And my family has come to visit. And I have to cook for them. And … have I told you that my little ant died? I had a little ant, I cared very much for her, it was like my child and it died. Now, I am mourning for it, so I cannot help you today, nor tomorrow, or the day after…”

Cunning people cannot be true friends. They are afraid of betrayal: either that their manoeuvres will be uncovered, or that others will use them. If the opportunity to be betrayed does not exist, then “friends” are perfect victims, because, for cunning people the world is divided in two categories: those who take advantages and those whom one can take advantage of. In both cases they lie, either to cover up their mistakes and to make themselves seem well justified, or in order to obtain something. But in time, those around him will understand what is going on.

Then, the cunning one will no longer be able to apply his plans of taking advantages of others. Moreover, he will be avoided and regarded with scepticism, despite claims that he has transformed. The others will believe has a new trick up his sleeve, meant to fool them again.

It is very difficult for a liar to be trusted again. These types of deceptive people do not realize that, in fact, the benefit they gain in this way does not help them very much. Even if they succeed, let us say, in gaining others’ admiration, they will not be able to enjoy it. They will be too busy continuing with their lies, in order to maintain the illusions they created, for fear that others will change their opinion about them. The funny thing is that the same benefits they get from lying, they could certainly just as well get, by being honest. Generally, such cunning people do not go together with genuine spirituality, unless spirituality is another “weapon” in their stock.

It is impossible to aspire with all your heart and being to spiritual realizations, to Samadhi, to God and at the same time to try to cheat, to trick others, to gain minimum benefits with maximum effort and paltriness. Unlike other types of deception, this one is completely voluntary, planned and conscious. If we are lucid and honest with ourselves, we can detect it and we can even give up this way of relating to others.

Lies – out of the fear of being rejected

Moliere said that deception is a vice in fashion and fashionable vices are taken as virtues. This is the second type of deception: the social one. There are many cases in which people pretend to be friends with somebody, in order to confess to others that they actually detest that person. Many find it normal, they even admire the fact that they can lie with a smile on their face, pretending they like somebody. But some do not even notice their duplicity. Sometimes this attitude is even considered polite. But politeness means to act kindly, even when we do not like somebody, it does not mean to flatter and to pretend to be best friends.

The tendency to behave towards others against our own feelings can sometimes originate from the fear of not being accepted as we are. We have the impression we are not good enough or extraordinary enough for others. Maybe something in our way of being does not correspond with the ideas of the group we are in and then we pretend in order to remain or fit within the group. Some even think it is better to not express their true opinions and feelings, so that others cannot hurt them. They say it is better to pretend you are as the others want you to be, so that they do not have reasons to jump on you. In certain cases, deception is even a behavioural rule. “Most people have seen much more shocking things in their private life then the things they seem to be shocked about when they are in public”, said Edgar Watson Howe.

In certain groups, certain facts and ideas are often condemned by all members… even by those who agree with them! Then, this lie is encouraged also by the pressure of the others from that group: how can you agree with something everybody else considers negative? This would mean that you are also bad. If, for example, a few persons watch a movie in which there is a very beautiful erotic scene and most of them label that scene as “vulgar”, the others will speak against it even if they liked it, if they are not very firm in their ideas. “Very vulgar scene, isn’t it? It should be in an XXX movie! What, you liked it? Oh, you did not? For a moment I thought you did and then I would lose my respect for you. I am joking, of course. Oh, you say this scene should not have been put here?? Yes, I think so too. The world would be better without such things, don’t you think so? NO?! Oh, yes, you also think so, you were just joking. I knew it.”

Compromises in order to be recognized in the hierarchy

Out of the need to be accepted, to be seen as intelligent or virtuous, the social hypocrites put up a mask and pretend to be different then what they actually are. For them, deception is a behavioural rule. If they do not have the same opinion as their friends, it does not matter, they pretend. Full of passion, they express the opinions of the group, whatever they are. In this way they struggle to prove that they are intelligent and they have an adequate moral code. But as somebody used to say the desire to seem intelligent often makes us unable to be so. When it comes to making judgments the one always following the others, gives up his own thoughts and uses all his force and energy in order to make a credible mask. Then, it is normal that his true being will suffer. First of all, he has little left to invest in himself and, secondly, he neglects himself in favour of the conditioned acceptance from the others.

Another problem that very few social hypocrites think about is the following: how loud can you say you are friends with somebody as long as you always have to pretend you are somebody else and to have the same opinion as your friend?

Can this really be friendship, as long as a difference in ideas could throw you in disgrace? You cannot say that a friendship is deep if it is limited by different conventions. If it breaks, you might discover that you did not lose as much as you thought you would lose. Of course, the politeness and feelings of the other one must be respected. To throw them to the garbage “because otherwise it would be just pretend” is stupid. Lets say we like a singer very much and our friend cannot stand that person. It is deception to declare that we also cannot stand that singer, but it is impolite and it lacks common sense to keep talking about her. A suggestion would be, to not mention her too much.

Whatever the reason you wish to pretend to be someone else, it is easier to give up such an impulse when self confidence and courage increase. Otherwise, you are not really able to say what is in your heart and to admit you have different opinions. If you are sure of yourself and daring, you do not worry that your world will collapse as a consequence of confessing something that is not in line with society’s way of thinking. And if you add self-centring to the other two qualities, the masks begin to disappear and make place for freedom and unconstraint.

Instead of the tendency towards the outside, which dictates us to accommodate with the others’ way of thinking and to act as they want us to act, a tendency towards the inside amplifies; a tendency to be ourselves. Then, those who will accept us as we are will appear. They will be truly close to us, and with them we can honestly share our aspirations, desires, our ideas about the world. On the other hand, if we pretend to be someone else, they will avoid us, as they feel we are false. The social hypocrite, who plays pretend in order to climb the “respectability ladder”, puts his soul on the table and allows others to carve it according to their own imagination or desire. Instead, he could take the chisel in his own hands and carve his soul according to his own aspirations and inner voice.

The spiritual guide uncovers the tricks of the ego

Nietzsche once said: “The most common lie is the one through which man lies to himself; to lie to the others is relatively an exception.” So far, we spoke about deception towards others. But what happens when we are deceptive with ourselves?

We often pretend to ourselves that we are exceptional, that we can do anything; we are the greatest, the most beautiful, the best! We do this, having the deep inner intuition that this is not true. We praise ourselves in order to feel the best, the most victimized out of all – because, being the best, we deserve the best, don’t we? We are the most exceptional in the entire galaxy. It is very hard to see our own mistakes, our own stupidity. Almost all the time everybody else is to blame.

When we go to our yoga class or in the summer camps, we spot our colleagues who are too tense in their asana practice or who do their tapas with an egotistic attitude, those who doze off in meditations, exactly at the moment when during meditation, we take a glance in the yoga hall… Those having a patronizing smile, giving spiritual advices, but not emanating much affection rouse our indignation… we are the only ones who are always immaculate and in communion with the angels.

We very rarely judge ourselves by the same standards we judge others. What we call “sin” in others, we call “experimentation” in ourselves, said Ralph Waldo Emerson. Or, as an anonymous author was pointing out in a funny way, many believe that bad is not bad as long as it is done by people as sweet as we are. We are afraid to look into our own eyes and see all our weaknesses and mistakes. We prefer to consider ourselves invincible and extraordinary. When somebody shows us our real face we explode, we claim we have been treated unjustly and misunderstood. We are not like that! We know ourselves, we are completely different. In fact, we are modest, we will not tell you the truth: that the Sun is shining on our forehead, the Moon gave us her beams to put them around our head and, actually, we are the only ones who truly know how things are. Have we ever told you this? No. But it is a fact.

The higher you are on one scale of values or another, the stronger “the truth” is confirmed in your mind. For example, a great yoga teacher, master in the field of esoteric knowledge, will consider at his little finger all kind of things, which in his vision are much more simple then even those he learned from his spiritual guide: he will know to “appreciate genuine spirituality”, he will be “the humblest disciple in the world”, he is certain he will know how… “to revolutionize” the teachings received “through his innovating ideas”… It is possible that he does not even realize he lies to himself. On a spiritual path, things can become serious. The more you accumulate experiences, states and knowledge, the more often people tell you that you are closer to God, the greater is the risk to ignore the voice that shouts from within that this is not quite true, you have not reached the final liberation, not yet.

God waits for us in the truth

The Master comes to support this voice. He will not encourage you to lie to yourself, but he will act in such a way so that he destroys the false impressions you have about yourself and he will help you separate what is true from what is false. But it is hard for us to take this. It would mean admitting that you were lying to yourself, to give up the throne you had built … and even to not look so great in the eyes of the others. Out of all, exactly you!

But the ego still has defensive weapons, with which you can continue lying. The ego says: “It is not true! Look how many things I discovered. So many amazing states, paranormal experiences, all of it! You experienced states of profound communion with God! Who else has experienced so many? Look, the others also acknowledge this fact, but they refuse to see how far you have gone. Maybe they are blind. Maybe they were always a bit blind, but you were too small to see it.” So, you keep whispering sweet words into your own ears, fooling yourself as much as you can, so that you do not have to face the truth. In fact, in these moments you do not fight against the master, but against your own Self. Because the ego feels threatened, he brings up all his subtlety in order to survive. Then, you blame the outside: the master does not understand you. He is the one that does not see how extraordinary you are! Everybody else sees it, except him. For sure the problem is in him.

The ego has many masks which it uses to get you lost in the matrix and lead you astray from your path. It will find excuses for your flaws, excuses which are more efficient the less there is to excuse. It will catch you up in your own different faces. You will not realize that it is the ego behind all these things. You will believe that the excuses for your mistakes are more than righteous, that they are real and that even a Master would use them. You have to be very honest in order to see that you are wrong.

Let us look at ourselves as objectively as possible, to analyze ourselves and see what our deceptive tendencies are. In other words, let us notice when we lie to ourselves, when we try to fool ourselves, to pretend in front of us that we are something else that we actually are. Even the fact that we can recognise the truth and identify the tendency we have of fooling ourselves will help us stop it much more easily. If we did not know what we look like, we could convince ourselves that we have violet eyes. But once we see them in a mirror and they are actually green, brown or blue, we can only insist with an extraordinary stubbornness that they are violet. But if for us it is so important that our eyes are violet, we might in the beginning want to break the mirror, because it dared to tell us something different.

It is difficult to stop lying to yourself. If you lie to the others, you do it in order for them to accept you. If you lie to yourself, you do it in order for you to accept yourself. We want to be extraordinary especially for ourselves, because it is hard to accept our flaws and respect ourselves in the moments we are not on the peak. You can love a silly miserable puppy on the street, but if you look in the mirror and see a silly miserable puppy, you often feel to shout out of anger and discontent, because you have to be a proud wolf, even a lion.

A friend of mine has a saying. Each time he makes remarks which are hard to take, but which inside of me I feel are true, and yet I still feel I want to deny them completely, he adds: “… but this is not why we love you”. Or, to put it another way “we love you anyway. This is not important; I only tell you this in order to help you.” When you love and accept yourself even as a silly miserable puppy, you can start transforming yourself. Check who it is that stops you become what you wish to be and remove the obstacles. Those who truly love you probably have already seen your flaws, even if you have been hiding it under many masks. Anyhow, there is nothing left to hide and they will wait for you to transform according to your ideals. God is always there and he loves you, no matter how many flaws you have. The only person who still has to accept and adore you as you are… is yourself.

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US Yoga Academy